I haven't blogged for a long time. I've read back my blog from the start, and I can't even remember that guy who wrote all those stuff 3 years ago. Was that really me who had all those insights and things that are actually worth thinking? Am I actually getting stupider over the years? Or has my apathy gone to the point of where I don't care anymore? Currently I'm at a place where I don't even know myself. I'm just more confused than ever.

I remember my mom telling me in one of the comments here from years ago, blogging is a form of self therapy. Well I suppose I could just write a diary also, it would work the same way. I think I need it in a way. Some way to know who I am and what state I currently am.

I've always been an adaptive person. My personality changes with the person or situation that I'm dealing with. After awhile though it just sorts of gets to the point where I am right now, I don't know who I am. I'm just lost in the myriads of personality that I show that I just don't have my own personal personality anymore.

I guess it's sort of worse since I am also emotionally suppressed most times. I also think that I've grown to be apathetic. Not about other people, I still care about the situation of the world I live in. I am apathetic to what I feel. I don't care how I feel since I don't feel much.

It sorts of shows in about everything. I don't have a favorite food since I will eat what I find palatable, I will also eat the stuff that I don't really like if it's served me (my family knows I hate beans and fish, other people don't since I still eat them). I listen to the radio not because I like the music, but because I don't really care about what music I listen to. I watch series that I find ok, even though it's not what I really like, anything to just pass the time. The list just goes on. I don't really care what I watch, eat or do, since I don't have a preference.

I don't have relationships not because I can't care for someone else, I do care but I can't show that I care because I don't care about myself. I don't care about my own feelings. I'm the guy that everyone likes but no one loves or knows or even care. I'm the guy that's a good friend but not a good partner. I'm the guy that entertains other people but doesn't enjoy. The people that I care for does not care for me since no one knows me (not family ok, I know you all care <3).

I realize that I can drudge through life just like this, but I won't be happy. This is not a cry for help, it's just something that I realize. I need to change. Since I don't know my emotions, I need to write it down somewhere so I can analyze myself.