Being emotionally suppressed isn't good. I know from experience. I've had it for a long time. I even sorta knows when it started. I'm not placing the blame on anyone, I'm not trying to make anyone look bad. I don't ever want anyone to feel guilty about it. But I think I need to tell it all the same since if I don't explore the start of a symptom, how can I diagnose the problem?

I won't go through it in detail. It was years ago, it was the first day of Hari Raya. Me, my bro, and my little sisters went to see a movie after all the relatives we visited. It was on our way back from the movie, in the car heading back to my grandma's house.  Something I said in the car triggered my brother and we had a scuffle. Later that night, I couldn't sleep of course. I knew I wasn't totally at fault nor was I innocent. I knew my brother had issues then as well so he was also not to be blamed. I knew I had to be strong for the family then. I knew if I can't let go of my ego back then and do something about it we will be going back to Melaka and that Hari Raya will be known as the worse Raya in our family's history. So first thing in the morning. I went to my brother and I apologized. I discarded my ego then for the sake of my brother and my family. I knew my brother was awake even though he was facing the wall. I can't imagine the things that were going through his head back at the time, whether it be remorse or guilt or anything, I don't know. After I said my apologies I left and went down for breakfast. Afterwards my brother came down, he apologized as well. It was the last time I really cried. I haven't cried for anything in 5 years. It was also the start of my suppressed emotions. It's also the time that I left me ego somewhere and only managed to find some parts of it.

Like the disclaimer up top, nothing I state above is written to make anyone look bad. I've never told anyone about this I suppose. I still love my brother. I'm not blaming him for my emotional sickness. I don't begrudge him anything. It was a sacrifice that I felt like I had to do back then, it might have been something that wasn't really necessary, who knows.