I wonder...am I just self sabotaging with all these bouts of honest to a fault, untactfullness, and all the rest just to have a paper shield in which to hide?

I mean, it's easy, blame everything on a trait that I have due to my emotional problems. After that everything I do will be rationalized. I am not to blame, my stupid trait is the one at fault!

It's not an excuse. If I know about it, then fix it. Don't use it as a means of justifying stupidity and crassness. I'll take it as a self reminder.

And this time it' a duder...sorta weird for me.

All the people that I've had my heart to heart talks to were girls before. When I think about it, I didn't even tried to talk to Slam back when we were close. We just sat and just talked cock. Oh wait, I remember now, back then I had a lot of platonic girlfrens who actually listens to me blab.

I guess guy or girl doesn't make a difference. It's just that it's harder to find guys who actually care about what you talk about. Girls are different, even if they don't care they do act like they care! Guys would normally just belittle you and say "You're a pansy, get some balls and stop talking already, what do you think I am? A girl?"

I guess in the end I am a heemo person =P

Not because I feel emotionally emo emo, but because I feel like I need to talk about it to actually feel it.

I used to be able to. I used to do it all the time.

Now I even have friends telling me to my face that I will never be a reservoir for their secrets coz I can't even keep my own secrets in check. Let alone theirs.

Is this just another side effect of my suppression? Am I trying to pin every problem that I have on a stupid bloody sickness? I mean, I can rationalize that due to my suppression, things that used to be humiliating to me is so numbed down or that my ego is also suppressed to the point that I don't even think it's humiliating anymore.

Or could just be the fact that I could have but I just can't keep my mouth shut when I start to talk about shit?

Thing is, I can still keep a secret. I just don't like giving a blatant lie. I guess I will do so though, to keep a friend's secret. I still have my poker face. I just wouldn't blatantly lie to keep mine anymore.

I'm always misunderstood. Primarily because I don't know myself.

I always try to tell the truth about my emotions the way I see it at the time. Truth does has an expiry date for me I suppose. What is considered truth to me at some point in time might change in another. Doesn't necessarily mean that I am lying. I don't understand my emotions at all sometimes. Emotionally retarded remember?

If I say something about my emotions, usually even I myself will take it with a big grain of salt. How can I say something and consider it to be fact when I am trying to understand it even as I say it? Even so, I would have to accept the risk of being judged for what I say then. Since it is still truth when it was spoken.

Oh psst, it doesn't apply to factual truths

It's never good to have too much or too less of anything. Even things that are originally considered good.

For example, let's take a good trait and what if there is just too much of it. We'll go with a trait is is always considered as good; Honesty. Being honest is as always good. However if you're honest to a fault, you will most probably shoot yourself in the foot. Anything that is even slightly bad can be construed as something terrible, especially if you're so honest you don't try to sugar-coat it with and tact. Do you need to tell someone that you used to have this boil on your ass which oozes green puss and smells really bad and it makes you itch all the time even though it is gone? Oh and it also makes a big black pucker on your asscheeks which you will fiddle with when you're alone. (It's just a metaphor of something that doesn't need to be known, is not even of much importance, but once you tell it that way, well, it's just disgusting. It's not even a disgusting thing to begin with but with that much honesty in explaining something, it just sounds...bad)

No you don't have to tell all this things. No one should. Is it really honesty to tell of the stuff that isn't supposed to be known? It is all too much information. It is unnecessary information. It is something to just forget about. I need to learn tactness.

What about traits that are considered bad? What if you just have too little of it?

I don't have that much of an ego. So what does that lead up to? I don't care what I feel or think. Other people's thoughts are of much more importance. I can sacrifice myself, as long as others people are not inconvenienced. I don't really matter since I am not of much importance. Ego does play a role in a balanced personality. No one is ever that unimportant. To think yourself as such basically means that you think you are just trash. It just leads to low self esteem and self-hate.

Kinda weird when I don't really have that big a self esteem issue when I have an ego problem. Not to say that I don't have it at all, but I just need more of it.

4 posts in a day huh? I'm not done yet though. I really appreciate the comments and IM's asking if I'm fine and all. I'm fine. The concern shown really made me happy. <3

One thing going through my mind that makes me somewhat lost is that I've not always been the person I am now. If I show confidence, charm, cool, wit, cocky and most of the other personality traits that I usually show at work or in a social setting, most of them are all developed and learned over time. What about the old me? The shy quiet guy who doesn't know how to socialize? What happened to that dude? Should he be forgotten? I am still that dude though. I am shy and quiet. I am self conscious and afraid. I hated getting compliments. I know some of them are considered as improvements but people don't really change their personalities that fast though.

I'll give an example. I don't like to socialize. I don't like to talk to people I don't know. One year ago, if I need to know something about my bank for instance, I would try my best not to call. I would check online. I would ask my friends. Six months ago, I would call the bank no problem. Even before checking up online sometimes. Three months ago, if i buy stuff at the store I would just pay up and leave. Now... I can even banter with the cashier at times.

One thing I should really trash is the cockiness I've come to develop. I hate getting compliments usually. It embarrasses me. So what do I do with it now? If someone says I look young, I'll say "I KNOW!". If someone says I'm photogenic (I AM NOT!), I will say "I KNOW!". Aaaaaaand it goes with every other thing also, even for the things that I don't believe is true. Even I am annoyed with myself when I do that!

I'm not saying that I hate myself now. I won't be suitable for the line of work I'm currently in if I don't have the traits I have now anyways. It's just typical symptom of a person getting older I suppose. Reminiscing and remembering the old days.

I suppose I can say that I'm lonely. Another reason for me to start blogging again.

I live alone in the apartment. It's also not really a place that makes me feel all comfy and homely. I just don't feel that it is my place. Which is why I really look forward to the place in Ampang. I've even drafted a document on the renovations and furnishing that I want to put in the place (ask me for it if you want a copy to comment on). It's important to me that it would feel like it is my place. It's place that I would love to be in.

I don't really connect with people that much anymore too. Especially not in the work place. I have friends there. I just don't connect to them like I connected to my friends back in my study years. I know they're friends, but they're not the friends that care. Why should they when I can't even make myself to care about others. I'm emotionally retarded.

My best friend is also married now and he's best friend is now his wife. I don't even have a best friend anymore also I suppose. That's another lonely point =(

I don't play my online games also. It just sorts of bores me now. I spend my nights watching tv series and movies.

I've been somewhat depressed since my hospitalization and I just can't seem to get myself up. It's hard for me to get up in the morning and get to work. I used to wake up in the morning, do some chores like the dishes then cook breakfast and still be early for work. Now I can't even get to work on time. I haven't been able to stick to my gym schedule since then also.

For my new year's resolution, I'll try to get myself back on track first I suppose. First thing I need to do is restart my gymming. Try to lose some fat I suppose. I've been drinking too much caramel macchiato and eating too much pasta lately. With my crew cut hair it just makes me look like a ball.

I don't really ever tell my family about my love life. Mostly because there isn't one to tell. It's always been hard for me to like a girl. I've also been a one woman type of guy, meaning if I like a person, I don't really look at any other girls in an attractive way. I still look at girls la, I'm a guy, I look at pretty girls. DURR. I'm just not attracted to them.

I've always had these platonic girlfriends back in the day. Who I would just hang out with and just talk. I guess back then they were the people that I use as a means to study what I think and feel. Now I don't really go out with girls much. I don't really even have friends even that I go out to talk with anymore.

I've only been really attracted to one girl I suppose. I mean like really attracted. I used to think myself as shallow, since I seem to be only attracted to cute girls. This one girl though, other people actually told me she looks ordinary. Just a plain girl. I actually found her to be very beautiful. Maybe because I knew her before I actually met her. I found her personality to be awesome and I suppose that made me attracted to her in everyway.

What happened then? Oh I got shot down like a lame duck flying though a shooting range. Quick and fast. Reason being she doesn't find me to be attractive to her in that way. We're still good friends I suppose. I won't lose a person that I respect so much just because I feel slighted that she doesn't like me romantically.

So I guess if I really like someone, I don't really care what they look like. I really do think she looks physically attractive though, are other people just blind or was there something wrong with my eyes?

Being emotionally suppressed isn't good. I know from experience. I've had it for a long time. I even sorta knows when it started. I'm not placing the blame on anyone, I'm not trying to make anyone look bad. I don't ever want anyone to feel guilty about it. But I think I need to tell it all the same since if I don't explore the start of a symptom, how can I diagnose the problem?

I won't go through it in detail. It was years ago, it was the first day of Hari Raya. Me, my bro, and my little sisters went to see a movie after all the relatives we visited. It was on our way back from the movie, in the car heading back to my grandma's house.  Something I said in the car triggered my brother and we had a scuffle. Later that night, I couldn't sleep of course. I knew I wasn't totally at fault nor was I innocent. I knew my brother had issues then as well so he was also not to be blamed. I knew I had to be strong for the family then. I knew if I can't let go of my ego back then and do something about it we will be going back to Melaka and that Hari Raya will be known as the worse Raya in our family's history. So first thing in the morning. I went to my brother and I apologized. I discarded my ego then for the sake of my brother and my family. I knew my brother was awake even though he was facing the wall. I can't imagine the things that were going through his head back at the time, whether it be remorse or guilt or anything, I don't know. After I said my apologies I left and went down for breakfast. Afterwards my brother came down, he apologized as well. It was the last time I really cried. I haven't cried for anything in 5 years. It was also the start of my suppressed emotions. It's also the time that I left me ego somewhere and only managed to find some parts of it.

Like the disclaimer up top, nothing I state above is written to make anyone look bad. I've never told anyone about this I suppose. I still love my brother. I'm not blaming him for my emotional sickness. I don't begrudge him anything. It was a sacrifice that I felt like I had to do back then, it might have been something that wasn't really necessary, who knows.

I haven't blogged for a long time. I've read back my blog from the start, and I can't even remember that guy who wrote all those stuff 3 years ago. Was that really me who had all those insights and things that are actually worth thinking? Am I actually getting stupider over the years? Or has my apathy gone to the point of where I don't care anymore? Currently I'm at a place where I don't even know myself. I'm just more confused than ever.

I remember my mom telling me in one of the comments here from years ago, blogging is a form of self therapy. Well I suppose I could just write a diary also, it would work the same way. I think I need it in a way. Some way to know who I am and what state I currently am.

I've always been an adaptive person. My personality changes with the person or situation that I'm dealing with. After awhile though it just sorts of gets to the point where I am right now, I don't know who I am. I'm just lost in the myriads of personality that I show that I just don't have my own personal personality anymore.

I guess it's sort of worse since I am also emotionally suppressed most times. I also think that I've grown to be apathetic. Not about other people, I still care about the situation of the world I live in. I am apathetic to what I feel. I don't care how I feel since I don't feel much.

It sorts of shows in about everything. I don't have a favorite food since I will eat what I find palatable, I will also eat the stuff that I don't really like if it's served me (my family knows I hate beans and fish, other people don't since I still eat them). I listen to the radio not because I like the music, but because I don't really care about what music I listen to. I watch series that I find ok, even though it's not what I really like, anything to just pass the time. The list just goes on. I don't really care what I watch, eat or do, since I don't have a preference.

I don't have relationships not because I can't care for someone else, I do care but I can't show that I care because I don't care about myself. I don't care about my own feelings. I'm the guy that everyone likes but no one loves or knows or even care. I'm the guy that's a good friend but not a good partner. I'm the guy that entertains other people but doesn't enjoy. The people that I care for does not care for me since no one knows me (not family ok, I know you all care <3).

I realize that I can drudge through life just like this, but I won't be happy. This is not a cry for help, it's just something that I realize. I need to change. Since I don't know my emotions, I need to write it down somewhere so I can analyze myself.